I've had a very difficult year to date - and it's still early on in 2009! After our miscarriage loss, I had to have two different surgeries, which ultimately resulted in an infection. I am still trying to deal with the physical pain of this loss, so the emotional part has only been addressed in little bits and pieces. Most recently (well, yesterday), I was in the hospital recovering from a laproscopy and was in the section of the hospital reserved for new mothers. It was heart-wrenching to hear the cries of newborn babies, knowing that my arms would again be empty come July, when I'd expected to welcome the baby we've now named Mati (Hebrew for "God's gift"). It was almost cruel of them to put me in that wing, and yet...I have to move on. I cannot shrink from babies merely because of my sorrow over the loss of both Jordan and Mati. I wonder if, after all of the physical trials I've gone through, the Lord is going to bless me in that way again or if four year-old Samuel will always remain the youngest living member of our family and the only baby I've ever had? It gets difficult, this thinking things through and contemplating it all. My husband feels that we should not try again - even though we never actually tried to conceive, as I've always thought it should be left up to the Lord. So I am a little discomforted and admittedly depressed in some ways, wondering what the future will bring. I am only able to move ahead day by day remembering that God has blessed us with six beautiful children - five adopted into our family and one miracle born to us. I am so thankful, because I know some people are not as blessed. If you think of it, dear friends, please keep me in your prayers.
~mary
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