Sunday, November 04, 2007

Stained...

Well, this blog was hatched in a brief season of joy in my life and then quickly set aside when reality took hold of the things I held dear and began methodically to alter them in ways unchangeable...So though it may take a while until my thoughts may be deemed "excellent" again, I think I will optimistically settle for this as I write to work through my problems...

On the note of writing for a sort of therapy, I can say that sometimes a little writing may help a situation, but oftentimes it takes more than just a day or a week or even a month until one can understand and recognize the benefits...

At this moment in time, I am still mourning the life of the child that grew for a short season in my womb and disappeared for reasons unknown as yet in a sea of dark red that I still saw through my copious tears. It not only stained the clothing I wore that day, but also stained the memory in my soul so that it is unmoved, a continual reminder that life - any life - is brief. Should this cause me to be even more unselfish in the love I lavish upon others or turn me inward so that I am not stifling the desires of my heart any longer I cannot tell. That was in June, this is November. In one more month, I would have held that precious life in my arms, which will now be empty at Christmas -- the irony of a due date. Instead I am here mourning and grieving in a way that no one understands and so has lost patience with...It is more than a little difficult to sort through the feelings of anger, despair and desperation when the rest of the household moves about at normal lightening speed, leaving me far behind in my grief.

My marriage has crumbled, the children have rebelled, the finances are low, and the only source of pleasure in my life at this point is a memory I savor in secret in my memories when my eyes are closed as I reflect upon the different paths we all choose for whatever reason and how altered our lives then become, depending upon the destination and the company we keep on the journey...