It's been a long road that I've walked since last June when we lost our second birth child. But yesterday - miracle of miracles...I'm expecting again. I'm of course very anxious and nervous, but oh so happy.
You see, I've never stopped hoping completely, even though at times the possibility of my conceiving again looked pretty bleak. Last month I had thought that I was possibly pregnant. I was temped to race to the store and purchase a test, but the day when I was holding the test in my hands I started to feel the familiar pain of menstrual cramps. The scarlet reminder that my womb was still empty was, sadly, not terribly far behind.
Funny thing though...since that time I started taking an exercise class - Zumba, which is sort of like a dance class, combining Latin and Caribbean dance music and so forth. I was excited to start and see the pounds start dropping off rapidly. Well, I should have known...Every time I lose weight past a certain poundage I was suddenly "pregnant". Still, after last year the fear mingled with the hope kept me more pessimistic than usual.
So yesterday when I took the test I initially read it wrong. I thought that the one symbol was the control and since the two didn't match assumed it was negative. But thankfully I felt the need to actually check the box. I'm so glad I did! I saw that the "plus" sign in the first window indicated a positive result, and the second window was the control. Still...my worries and concerns got the better of me and I doubted it for a while. I needed a little more convincing. I mean, other than wonky blood sugar readings (another "obvious" sign I shouldn't have missed), my breasts do not hurt like during my first pregnancy, I am not constantly vomitting (though I did today a bit more) and I feel, well, pretty much not pregnant. So to convince myself, I took a digital test. The window was clear and unmistakably flashed "pregnant". But not to be fooled by possible error, I took a third test, which also had me reeling with the miracle. Because again the result was positive.
When I took the first test and realized that it was positive, I was overcome with emotion. I fell to my knees, thanking the Lord. You see, I believe that ALL -- yes, ALL -- children are a blessing from the Lord. Does it matter so much that this will be my seventh child (really eighth because of last year's miscarriage, but technically only the third biological child)? I don't think so, yet the reaction I received during my last pregnancy, before we lost the baby, was so negative that this time I am hesitant about how much I want to share this information before I've fully savored it and treasured it and had time to bury those beautiful thoughts in my heart.
I need to begin immediately praying for the perfect health of my child, for the life within me to be strong and healthy -- a child I can train for His good purpose and glory, a child I will treasure, with all of my heart, no matter what. I am still a little anxious, but am trusting that He will protect the life now growing within, knitting my child together with each new development. I feel so tired, but oh so blessed! I am looking forward to this pregnancy journey and to the marvelous treasure that I'll have in the end!!!