I've had a very difficult year to date - and it's still early on in 2009! After our miscarriage loss, I had to have two different surgeries, which ultimately resulted in an infection. I am still trying to deal with the physical pain of this loss, so the emotional part has only been addressed in little bits and pieces. Most recently (well, yesterday), I was in the hospital recovering from a laproscopy and was in the section of the hospital reserved for new mothers. It was heart-wrenching to hear the cries of newborn babies, knowing that my arms would again be empty come July, when I'd expected to welcome the baby we've now named Mati (Hebrew for "God's gift"). It was almost cruel of them to put me in that wing, and yet...I have to move on. I cannot shrink from babies merely because of my sorrow over the loss of both Jordan and Mati. I wonder if, after all of the physical trials I've gone through, the Lord is going to bless me in that way again or if four year-old Samuel will always remain the youngest living member of our family and the only baby I've ever had? It gets difficult, this thinking things through and contemplating it all. My husband feels that we should not try again - even though we never actually tried to conceive, as I've always thought it should be left up to the Lord. So I am a little discomforted and admittedly depressed in some ways, wondering what the future will bring. I am only able to move ahead day by day remembering that God has blessed us with six beautiful children - five adopted into our family and one miracle born to us. I am so thankful, because I know some people are not as blessed. If you think of it, dear friends, please keep me in your prayers.
~mary
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Snow Angels
Now that the lunch hour is over now here at our house, my three children decided to leave me to my own devices for a little while and go play in the fresh snow. Yesterday an odd thing happened in our county -- a thin storm passed through the very center, leaving only several towns with any snow at all (one of my husband's coworkers claimed almost a foot, while we got nothin'!)...So this morning the children were excited that our school district had a two hour delay and that there was snow all over the ground. The storm didn't amount to much, maybe one to three inches, depending on where you stand in the yard. But the cool thing is that it's the perfect snow to make snow angels -- something my four year-old's been wanting to do all winter! We read Ezra Keats' "Snowy Day" and the main thing he loved about the story was the part where the boy makes snow angels. So needless to say, little Sammy's outside right this minute, spreading his wings around!!! The innocence of childhood is such a beautiful and fragile and precious thing that needs to be cherished...I need to get some hot chocolate ready for the children because I know they'll be ready to come in shortly. So...God bless all of you, dear friends! And if you have the opportunity to make a snow angel or two, go to it with gusto!!
~mary
~mary
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Valentine e-book offer from Living on a Dime...
With the economy in such a state, it's a wonder that large families like mine are able to survive, let alone celebrate occassions like birthdays or holidays. I was pleasantly surprised to find that Living on A Dime was offering their Valentine on a Dime e-book for FREE...Yep, FREE!!! Just go to http://www.livingonadime.com/ebooks/valentinespr.html and you can get a copy. There are some great ideas in here to help make your Valentine's Day special without breaking the budget. Hope that helps some of you! My fav idea was the strawberries...I'm saving some of our grocery budget $$ for those!
Monday, February 02, 2009
Spring Cleaning Challenge
I was really greatful to find the Spring Cleaning Challenge for Normal People at http://biblicalwomanhoodblog.blogspot.com/2009/01/spring-cleaning-for-normal-people.html. While I am sadly no longer expecting my baby and had complications from all that, I am only playing on the laptop tonight because I'm too loopy from this morning's surgery to really accomplish anything. However, I had been excited about the baby's arrival and had actually started trying to rearrange things and cull toys, clothes and other things that we no longer have use for – or things that are in just too bad shape to be repaired. I do plan on jumping right in to the challenge as soon as I feel better. Today, though, I will just continue catching up on some of my reading and such. But the rest of you might want to check it out!!!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
My Ambitious Reading List
Although I am always busy with my own schooling and homeschooling several of my children, I want to make some meaningful strides in my life this year and have chosen some books that reflect the topics I want to learn more about and the values I wish to espouse. Of course I have some fiction thrown in the list too...nobody's perfect!!! At any rate, I got this idea from several other bloggers that I visited randomly, so I am not sure to whom I should give the credit. Suffice it to say, though, that this is an excellant idea that I hope to continue each and every year. I will plan on posting my progress, but please do not expect any reports for a while...Due to my miscarriage I have been behind in other tasks that must take priority -- which is yet another reason I felt the need to write down my ambitious reading list for this year...If I write it down, it might actually be accomplished!
Without further ado, here is my incomplete reading list (I have already thought of a few other things I might like to add) in no particular order as to priority or favorites...
BOOKS TO READ in 2009
1. Family Driven Faith ~ Voodie Baucham, Jr.
2. Shepherding a Child’s Heart ~ Tedd Tripp
3. Be Fruitful and Multiply ~ Nancy Campbell
4. When Children Love to Learn ~ Elaine Cooper
5. For the Children’s Sake ~ Susan Schaeffer Macaulay
6. The Excellent Wife ~ Martha Peace
7. Following God With All Your Heart ~ Elizabeth George
8. My Heart’s In the Lowlands ~ Liz Curtis Higgs
9. The Eat Clean Diet ~ Tosca Reno
10. Nourishing Traditions ~ Sally Fallon
11. Food Storage 101 ~ Peggy Layton
12. Last Child in the Woods ~ Richard Lauv
13. Rashi’s Daughters, Book I : Joheved ~ Maggie Anton
14. How To Pick a Peach ~ Russ Parsons
15. Songs in the Key of Solomon: In the Word…and in the Mood ~ John & Anita Renfroe
16. More Hours in My Day ~ Emilie Barnes and Sheri Torelli
17. The Original Homeschool Series, 6 volumes ~ Charlotte Mason
18. A Year in the World ~ Frances Mayes
19. Beautiful in God’s Eyes ~ Elizabeth George
20. The Meal that Heals ~ Perry Stone
21. The Shack ~ William P. Young
22. Rhett Butler’s People ~ Donald McCaig
23. Total Truth ~ Nancy Pearcey
24. Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can’t Read, Write or Add ~ Charles Sykes
25. Bad Girls of the Bible ~ Liz Curtis Higgs
26. Country Wisdom Almanac ~ Storey Publishing
27. Cooking With Home Storage ~ Peggy Layton
28. Little Heathens: Hard Times and High Spirits on an Iowa Farm During the Great Depression ~ Mildred Armstrong Kalish
29. Debt-Proof Living ~ Mary Hunt
30. Don’t Make Me Count To Three ~ Ginger Plowman
31. Candymaking for Dummies
32. The Mission of Motherhood ~ Sally Clarkson
33. Breaking the Jewish Code ~ Perry Stone
34. Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austen
35. People of the Book ~ Geraldine Brooks
[I have decided that I will highlight the books I have completed, so that my reaaders might know how much I have accomplished...or not!]
Several of these books I have planned to read aloud to/with my husband either during a trip somewhere (church, store, etc.) or during our personal time. However, the majority are books that I hope will serve to help me learn essential spiritual truths or homemaking skills as I continue in my walk with Christ and try to be the best wife and mother possible. Of course, the number one book that is not listed on my current list is the Bible -- although there have been some days lately that have started out all wrong (such as the day I found out we'd lost the baby), I am trying to devote even more daily time to reading God's Word and drinking deeply of the spiritual truths. So far my readings have served to give me much comfort during this difficult time, in addition to revealing areas where I need to improve upon my attitude and walk with the Lord. No other book is as important to me, and if I never get to the rest of them because of the busy demands of a large family, I will have at least read the Book that matters the most!
God bless you all and have a wonderful week!!!
~mary
Without further ado, here is my incomplete reading list (I have already thought of a few other things I might like to add) in no particular order as to priority or favorites...
BOOKS TO READ in 2009
1. Family Driven Faith ~ Voodie Baucham, Jr.
2. Shepherding a Child’s Heart ~ Tedd Tripp
3. Be Fruitful and Multiply ~ Nancy Campbell
4. When Children Love to Learn ~ Elaine Cooper
5. For the Children’s Sake ~ Susan Schaeffer Macaulay
6. The Excellent Wife ~ Martha Peace
7. Following God With All Your Heart ~ Elizabeth George
8. My Heart’s In the Lowlands ~ Liz Curtis Higgs
9. The Eat Clean Diet ~ Tosca Reno
10. Nourishing Traditions ~ Sally Fallon
11. Food Storage 101 ~ Peggy Layton
12. Last Child in the Woods ~ Richard Lauv
13. Rashi’s Daughters, Book I : Joheved ~ Maggie Anton
14. How To Pick a Peach ~ Russ Parsons
15. Songs in the Key of Solomon: In the Word…and in the Mood ~ John & Anita Renfroe
16. More Hours in My Day ~ Emilie Barnes and Sheri Torelli
17. The Original Homeschool Series, 6 volumes ~ Charlotte Mason
18. A Year in the World ~ Frances Mayes
19. Beautiful in God’s Eyes ~ Elizabeth George
20. The Meal that Heals ~ Perry Stone
21. The Shack ~ William P. Young
22. Rhett Butler’s People ~ Donald McCaig
23. Total Truth ~ Nancy Pearcey
24. Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can’t Read, Write or Add ~ Charles Sykes
25. Bad Girls of the Bible ~ Liz Curtis Higgs
26. Country Wisdom Almanac ~ Storey Publishing
27. Cooking With Home Storage ~ Peggy Layton
28. Little Heathens: Hard Times and High Spirits on an Iowa Farm During the Great Depression ~ Mildred Armstrong Kalish
29. Debt-Proof Living ~ Mary Hunt
30. Don’t Make Me Count To Three ~ Ginger Plowman
31. Candymaking for Dummies
32. The Mission of Motherhood ~ Sally Clarkson
33. Breaking the Jewish Code ~ Perry Stone
34. Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austen
35. People of the Book ~ Geraldine Brooks
[I have decided that I will highlight the books I have completed, so that my reaaders might know how much I have accomplished...or not!]
Several of these books I have planned to read aloud to/with my husband either during a trip somewhere (church, store, etc.) or during our personal time. However, the majority are books that I hope will serve to help me learn essential spiritual truths or homemaking skills as I continue in my walk with Christ and try to be the best wife and mother possible. Of course, the number one book that is not listed on my current list is the Bible -- although there have been some days lately that have started out all wrong (such as the day I found out we'd lost the baby), I am trying to devote even more daily time to reading God's Word and drinking deeply of the spiritual truths. So far my readings have served to give me much comfort during this difficult time, in addition to revealing areas where I need to improve upon my attitude and walk with the Lord. No other book is as important to me, and if I never get to the rest of them because of the busy demands of a large family, I will have at least read the Book that matters the most!
God bless you all and have a wonderful week!!!
~mary
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Praying for the President
Though many rejoice and many despair over the swearing in of a new president, President Obama needs prayer. The Lord wants us to pray for those in authority over us -- and yes, that would include our new president. It is especially crucial at this time, as he is taking over office. I urge my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to consider joining the Presidential Prayer Team and commit to praying for President Obama and his administration not only during the first 100 days, but throughout his term of office. The Lord can touch any heart and change any person, and give wisdom and knowledge and blessing, when people pray to God. I am including a link for you all so that you can examine this wonderful prayer ministry for yourselves. We need to pray that the Lord's will -- not that of any man or woman, but God's will alone -- will reign.
http://www.presidentialprayerteam.org/site/PageServer?pagename=pptnn_memsig_ppt
Thank you all for your consideration of this ministry. I have found it to be a blessing, for myself and for my children, to keep our nation's leaders in prayer.
~mary
http://www.presidentialprayerteam.org/site/PageServer?pagename=pptnn_memsig_ppt
Thank you all for your consideration of this ministry. I have found it to be a blessing, for myself and for my children, to keep our nation's leaders in prayer.
~mary
Monday, January 12, 2009
Simple Woman's Daybook Entry for 12 January 2009
Well, hard to believe but it's Monday again already. The last few days have gone by in a blur for me. We named the baby "Mati", which is Hebrew for either gender and means "gift of God". The Share Burial is tomorrow and I am full of sorrow that I have to do this again. I don't know if God will ever bless me with another baby, but I am so thankful for every minute that Mati was growing and developing inside me. I'm just having a lot of regret that I didn't get to at least hold the baby. Anyway, I am posting my Simple Woman's Daybook entry. I am trying to have some semblance of order in my day. So here is the weekly entry:
Monday, January 12, 2009
Outside my window...
It is sunny but cold, with temperatures in the 20s.
I am thinking...
That I need to follow up on a lot of things, and get school done (with the kiddies and my online college stuff).
I am thankful for...
The brief time I was pregnant with Mati in 2008/2009 and the brief time I was pregnant with Jordan in 2007.
From the learning rooms...
We got a lot more accomplished last week than I thought. I hope to get more done today as tomorrow I don't know that I will be able to handle school knowing that we're burying Mati.
From the kitchen...
Tonight we'll finish the lovely eye roast we got on sale (enough for two meals!). I might get ambitious and make a cake or cookies for the kiddies, and I'd like to try to make some baked oatmeal for my husband's breakfasts this week.
I am wearing...
I am still in pajamas because I have a lot of cramping and bleeding still...But I am determined it will not be a wholly lazy day.
I am creating...
I purchased pins to pin the quilt I was making for Mati, which I intend to finish, as well as the baby blanket and booties I started. I also decided that maybe I would enroll in the next cake decorating course to give myself some sense of accomplishment and help my grief.
I am going...
To still continue to praise God and thank Him despite my grief, even though it is getting more difficult the closer I get to the share burial. I have faith that He will give me love and comfort.
I am reading...
Family Driven Faith by Voodie Baucham, Jr. and A Biblical Home Education by Ruth Beechick, as well as some stuff about homeschooling by Charlotte Mason that I got online from http://www.amblesideonline.org/
I am hoping...
To find the strength to cope with this miscarriage loss without snapping out in anger at God or my family and to rest in the assurance that I will hold Mati (and Jordan) one day.
I am hearing...
Silence at the moment (which may or may not be a good thing -- where are the kiddies??).
Around the house...
I changed my sheets and blankets, and cleaned up some clutter and dusted in our master bedroom. I need to move a bookshelf and the entertainment center in the living room to make way for other furniture. And I asked my husband to please take down the crib and changing table, at least for now...It is too painful a reminder to have them up, and Sammy doesn't really use or need them right now anyway, as he's got a "big boy bed".
One of my favorite things...
At the moment I am too full of grief to really think this one through, but I love my family and and friends and am thankful for the strength and support I've gotten in the last week.
A few plans for the rest of the week:
Aside from our regular homeschool schedule and my college course work...
Tonight: Church Small Group (which I really need right now)
Tuesday: Share Burial for Mati
Wednesday: Story time at Barnes & Noble since we'll miss it Tuesday
Thursday: Cleaning up the room my parents will be moving into
Friday: Moving some of the children around into other rooms
Saturday: Church in the evening (easier for us right now than Sundays, so I'm glad our church gives the option to accommodate people)
Sunday: Continuing to adjust January homeschool schedules, completing my online college week's work.
Here is picture thought I am sharing...
Tuesday: Share Burial for Mati
Wednesday: Story time at Barnes & Noble since we'll miss it Tuesday
Thursday: Cleaning up the room my parents will be moving into
Friday: Moving some of the children around into other rooms
Saturday: Church in the evening (easier for us right now than Sundays, so I'm glad our church gives the option to accommodate people)
Sunday: Continuing to adjust January homeschool schedules, completing my online college week's work.
Here is picture thought I am sharing...
This is my first attempt at bootie making, which are felt ones I tried to form for Mati's July arrival. Unfortunately they were way too big, but I was going to adjust the size - and the color, since we were not sure what the gender was going to be. It was just an experiment. Now there is no need, obviously, but I am still going to finish the booties and put them in a shadow box with the ultrasound pictures and information about this precious baby.
As always, thanks for stopping by!!!
Please visit the Simple Woman's Blog: http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/
~mary
Monday, January 05, 2009
Simple Woman's Daybook entry for January 5th
Simple Woman's Daybook entry for January 5th
I'm still trying to get the hang of this, but here is my second ever Simple Woman's Daybook entry:
I'm still trying to get the hang of this, but here is my second ever Simple Woman's Daybook entry:
Monday, January 5, 2009Outside my window...
It is sunny and rather warm for a winter day.
I am thinking...
That although the doctors confirmed today that my baby no longer has a heartbeat, I am grateful that God allowed the child to be conceived and for me to enjoy 14 weeks of pregnancy.
I am thankful for...
My husband and my children, all of whom are extremely and especially precious to me.
From the learning rooms...
Today we resumed school, although it was not terribly successful due to the stress over the doctor’s appointment.
From the kitchen...
My wonderful husband took charge of the meals.
I am wearing...
I was wearing loose and comfortable clothing because of my doctor appointment, then pajamas to rest…
I am creating...
Nothing of note at the moment, although I intend to finish the baby blanket and booties I started.
I am going...
To continue to praise God and thank Him despite my grief.
I am reading...
Family Driven Faith by Voodie Baucham, Jr. and college textbooks for Chemistry 101 and Educational Psychology.
I am hoping...
To find the strength to cope with this miscarriage loss without snapping out in anger at God or my family.
I am hearing...
A television show my 4 year-old is watching in my room.
Around the house...
I did not really accomplish anything noteworthy today, except that I straightened my sheets and blankets!
One of my favorite things...
When my 4 year-old says “I love you big much up to the moon and back too big much!”
A few plans for the rest of the week:
Aside from our regular homeschool schedule and my college course work (well – as regular as possible considering the circumstances)
Tuesday: Resting.
Wednesday: A possible follow-up doctor appointment.
Thursday: Attending an evening appointment with my husband.
Friday: Resting.
Saturday: Probably church in the evening.
Sunday: Adjusting January homeschool schedules, completing my online college week's work and reading aloud to the children from the Bible.
Here is picture thought I am sharing...
This rainbow was shining on the day we got our Christmas tree…We saw one before we got to the tree farm and the sky cleared, but when we got half-way into the field – we experienced a huge downpour, followed by hail and then…it cleared up and behold, an other rainbow graced the sky!
Thanks for stopping by!!!
Please visit the Simple Woman's Blog:http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/
Monday, December 29, 2008
Simple Woman's Daybook entry for December 29th
I'm still trying to get the hang of this, but here's my first Simple Woman's Daybook entry:
It is sunny and although it is cold, it is warmer than it has been.
Thanks for stopping by!!!
Please visit the Simple Woman's Blog:
Monday, December 29, 2008
Outside my window...
It is sunny and although it is cold, it is warmer than it has been.
I am thinking...
There are things I need to gather for my husband for a meeting tomorrow evening, and I should not procrastinate!
I am thankful for...
My husband and his steady, reliable job and my children and their laughter and noise, even when it gets a little "too" loud. And finally for the gift of this pregnancy.
From the learning rooms...
We have a short break for the rest of the week, as the cousins are coming!
From the kitchen...
I made an 8-yolk butter cake with cocoa icing for my father's birthday! We also managed to get some Forgotten Cookies in the oven, but the meringue does not seem to want to set just right.
I am wearing...
Loose and comfortable clothing since I am starting to "feel" pregnant!
I am creating...
A baby blanket on a Knifty Knitter for our expected little one.
I am going...
To stay at home today and just try to relax as I am not feeling too well.
I am reading...
Aside from the Bible, I am also taking a break from "school" and books this week to prepare for our expected company.
I am hoping...
To be able to find all of the paperwork my husband needs tomorrow, as my children constantly relocate things in their efforts to "help" - and somehow do not always put things in the proper designated spot.
I am hearing...
The last of the Christmas music on a local radio station.
Around the house...
I have neatened up a little bit, cleaned up the kitchen and a few areas in the dining room and am generally pleased that I made some progress despite being sick.
One of my favorite things...
Receiving Christmas cards from family and friends.
A few plans for the rest of the week:
Tuesday: Finding the rest of that paperwork for my husband!
Wednesday: Three doctor appointments for my high-risk pregnancy, including an ultra sound -- I will get to see the growth of my precious little one!!!
Thursday: Spending time with my husband, who as the day off!!
Friday: Going to the hospital to be supportive as my mother gets back surgery.
Saturday: Visiting with my sister and my nieces! Church tonight!!!
Sunday: Finalizing January homeschool schedules, making sure my three public schooled children have their homework ready for the morning, logging in to my online college to prepare for the week's work.
Here is picture thought I am sharing...
Thanks for stopping by!!!
Please visit the Simple Woman's Blog:
Sunday, December 28, 2008
A book that touched me deeply...
We try to make the season of Advent special. Last year we wrapped up many Christmas movies and placed them in a basket to be unwrapped each night. The year before that we all found a treasure each morning - usually something small like a pencil or a peppermint. Sometimes there are projects, sometimes interesting poems and songs. There are always devotionals that accompany our special time as a family each evening. This year during Advent each evening a member our family unwrapped a winter/Christmas book to read to the children. The books ranged from childhood favorites to wintry books the children received as gifts in years past, and of course included the story of Jesus' birth as well as the classic "Night Before Christmas", all read while pjs were on and all followed by our customary Advent devotion. There were several evenings where activity kept us late and we skipped the reading, but overall we were able to enjoy many touching, fun and whimsical stories. However, the book my husband chose to read on Christmas day itself touched me very deeply -- so much that I find myself still pondering the message, turning the story over and over again in my mind.
The story is called "The Story of the Other Wise Man" - or sometimes "The Fourth Wise Man" - and was written by Henry van Dyke circa 1896. (For a review, I've included a link to amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Story-Other-Wise-Henry-Dyke/dp/0345406958). There are so many lessons in this very short tale, the most important that we should seek Christ constantly, and that we will indeed find Him. I've marveled over the beauty found in this simple story -- how this wise man gave all he owned to bring treasures to the king -- and how he spent those treasures in other ways before finding Jesus at last.
I don't want to give away the entire story before anyone has had a chance to read it. Suffice it to say that it touched me in such a way that made me cry...for my own selfishness, for my own lack of deep faith at times, for my own thoughtlessness at times when dealing with others. I have been really praying in the last few days that this lesson of faith and love will stick with me.
I really hope and pray you will get the opportunity to read this precious story, and that it will touch your heart as thoroughly as it has touched my own. May God richly bless you in 2009!
The story is called "The Story of the Other Wise Man" - or sometimes "The Fourth Wise Man" - and was written by Henry van Dyke circa 1896. (For a review, I've included a link to amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Story-Other-Wise-Henry-Dyke/dp/0345406958). There are so many lessons in this very short tale, the most important that we should seek Christ constantly, and that we will indeed find Him. I've marveled over the beauty found in this simple story -- how this wise man gave all he owned to bring treasures to the king -- and how he spent those treasures in other ways before finding Jesus at last.
I don't want to give away the entire story before anyone has had a chance to read it. Suffice it to say that it touched me in such a way that made me cry...for my own selfishness, for my own lack of deep faith at times, for my own thoughtlessness at times when dealing with others. I have been really praying in the last few days that this lesson of faith and love will stick with me.
I really hope and pray you will get the opportunity to read this precious story, and that it will touch your heart as thoroughly as it has touched my own. May God richly bless you in 2009!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
creating a haven...
I stumbled upon something interesting at The Homespun Heart http://www.thehomespunheart.blogspot.com/ which I thought I'd like to attempt, even though I am already two whole days behind. It's a challenge of sorts to make of our homes a haven...And clean. I have been so blessed with the kind of home I've always dreamed of -- a big old rambling house that could be filled with the happy laughter of children. It's in need of a lot of repair though, having been neglected for years before we bought it. I like to be challenged and reminded of the importance of getting things in order, in many different regards. I am hopeful that the effort I put into this will be a blessing to my precious family.
With six children, I can tell you that our home has long seemed too cluttered and unkempt despite my efforts. For a while, I have to admit that I kind of gave up out of sheer frustration -- not because I did not want a clean home and tidy children, but because it just seemed as though everything was going wrong. Our washer has not worked in months, which means my darling husband does laundry once every week at the laundry mat in town. That means that clothes and towels and rags and coats and sheets, etc. just have to wait around, and for some reason those items just do not always stay in their designated laundry baskets! In addition, I had set up a "center" of sorts for school work. I have three children in school and three homeschooled, so we have an abundance of paperwork that cannot be misplaced. I had bins for each child and shelves for books and bookbags...But somehow all of the paperwork and projects and bookbags mysteriously crawl off from their designated spots as well. So...
I will be praying more this week and trying to re-train my six children. I have had some difficulty in this area, as five are adopted and some of their issues make obedience a serious task and a chance for rebellion, hence my frustration. I do not have as short a fuse with them when it comes to patience, thanks to many talks with the Lord, but I admit that there are times when I'd rather walk away than attempt to get to the bottom of the crisis because it seems that so much is tangled up in one simple task. It's not laziness as much as weariness at this point, but as I said -- I've committed much of this to the Lord in prayer and have become more optimistic in the last month that I can certainly make things more peaceful for the family overall. And since that time, I've seen great changes in their beginning stages in the spirits of at least some of the children. That is indeed a blessing!
Aside from that, I am expecting a baby in June and I have the need to get things under control. My first pregnancy - resulting in 4 year old Samuel - had me on bed rest for the last six weeks, and everything downstairs turned more than chaotic, even when my mother and my mother-in-law tried to help. My second pregnancy - resulting in the loss of precious Jordan between 10 and 12 weeks into the pregnancy - had me on bed rest from almost the beginning, and the chaos was worse. I would like to have order throughout the whole thing this time and be prepared for whatever may happen, and I'm depending on much prayer to start to see some of the character traits emerge not only in the children, but that my husband and I will always exhibit deeper patience bourne out of love and try to restore our family to what it should be.
I really look forward to working on this!!!
With six children, I can tell you that our home has long seemed too cluttered and unkempt despite my efforts. For a while, I have to admit that I kind of gave up out of sheer frustration -- not because I did not want a clean home and tidy children, but because it just seemed as though everything was going wrong. Our washer has not worked in months, which means my darling husband does laundry once every week at the laundry mat in town. That means that clothes and towels and rags and coats and sheets, etc. just have to wait around, and for some reason those items just do not always stay in their designated laundry baskets! In addition, I had set up a "center" of sorts for school work. I have three children in school and three homeschooled, so we have an abundance of paperwork that cannot be misplaced. I had bins for each child and shelves for books and bookbags...But somehow all of the paperwork and projects and bookbags mysteriously crawl off from their designated spots as well. So...
I will be praying more this week and trying to re-train my six children. I have had some difficulty in this area, as five are adopted and some of their issues make obedience a serious task and a chance for rebellion, hence my frustration. I do not have as short a fuse with them when it comes to patience, thanks to many talks with the Lord, but I admit that there are times when I'd rather walk away than attempt to get to the bottom of the crisis because it seems that so much is tangled up in one simple task. It's not laziness as much as weariness at this point, but as I said -- I've committed much of this to the Lord in prayer and have become more optimistic in the last month that I can certainly make things more peaceful for the family overall. And since that time, I've seen great changes in their beginning stages in the spirits of at least some of the children. That is indeed a blessing!
Aside from that, I am expecting a baby in June and I have the need to get things under control. My first pregnancy - resulting in 4 year old Samuel - had me on bed rest for the last six weeks, and everything downstairs turned more than chaotic, even when my mother and my mother-in-law tried to help. My second pregnancy - resulting in the loss of precious Jordan between 10 and 12 weeks into the pregnancy - had me on bed rest from almost the beginning, and the chaos was worse. I would like to have order throughout the whole thing this time and be prepared for whatever may happen, and I'm depending on much prayer to start to see some of the character traits emerge not only in the children, but that my husband and I will always exhibit deeper patience bourne out of love and try to restore our family to what it should be.
I really look forward to working on this!!!
Prayer...
I would love to ask for extra prayer during this season of my life. You see, I've had a little trouble lately with cramping and bleeding. While this is somewhat normal in a lot of pregnancies, after losing our precious baby last year I am very apprehensive of what that all could mean. I am trusting in Him, but I am afraid my human-ness tends to get in the way and I feel the devil just whispering to me. So any prayer -- especially in these still early weeks -- would be such a blessing to me! Thank you!!!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
New Blessing...
It's been a long road that I've walked since last June when we lost our second birth child. But yesterday - miracle of miracles...I'm expecting again. I'm of course very anxious and nervous, but oh so happy.
You see, I've never stopped hoping completely, even though at times the possibility of my conceiving again looked pretty bleak. Last month I had thought that I was possibly pregnant. I was temped to race to the store and purchase a test, but the day when I was holding the test in my hands I started to feel the familiar pain of menstrual cramps. The scarlet reminder that my womb was still empty was, sadly, not terribly far behind.
Funny thing though...since that time I started taking an exercise class - Zumba, which is sort of like a dance class, combining Latin and Caribbean dance music and so forth. I was excited to start and see the pounds start dropping off rapidly. Well, I should have known...Every time I lose weight past a certain poundage I was suddenly "pregnant". Still, after last year the fear mingled with the hope kept me more pessimistic than usual.
So yesterday when I took the test I initially read it wrong. I thought that the one symbol was the control and since the two didn't match assumed it was negative. But thankfully I felt the need to actually check the box. I'm so glad I did! I saw that the "plus" sign in the first window indicated a positive result, and the second window was the control. Still...my worries and concerns got the better of me and I doubted it for a while. I needed a little more convincing. I mean, other than wonky blood sugar readings (another "obvious" sign I shouldn't have missed), my breasts do not hurt like during my first pregnancy, I am not constantly vomitting (though I did today a bit more) and I feel, well, pretty much not pregnant. So to convince myself, I took a digital test. The window was clear and unmistakably flashed "pregnant". But not to be fooled by possible error, I took a third test, which also had me reeling with the miracle. Because again the result was positive.
When I took the first test and realized that it was positive, I was overcome with emotion. I fell to my knees, thanking the Lord. You see, I believe that ALL -- yes, ALL -- children are a blessing from the Lord. Does it matter so much that this will be my seventh child (really eighth because of last year's miscarriage, but technically only the third biological child)? I don't think so, yet the reaction I received during my last pregnancy, before we lost the baby, was so negative that this time I am hesitant about how much I want to share this information before I've fully savored it and treasured it and had time to bury those beautiful thoughts in my heart.
I need to begin immediately praying for the perfect health of my child, for the life within me to be strong and healthy -- a child I can train for His good purpose and glory, a child I will treasure, with all of my heart, no matter what. I am still a little anxious, but am trusting that He will protect the life now growing within, knitting my child together with each new development. I feel so tired, but oh so blessed! I am looking forward to this pregnancy journey and to the marvelous treasure that I'll have in the end!!!
You see, I've never stopped hoping completely, even though at times the possibility of my conceiving again looked pretty bleak. Last month I had thought that I was possibly pregnant. I was temped to race to the store and purchase a test, but the day when I was holding the test in my hands I started to feel the familiar pain of menstrual cramps. The scarlet reminder that my womb was still empty was, sadly, not terribly far behind.
Funny thing though...since that time I started taking an exercise class - Zumba, which is sort of like a dance class, combining Latin and Caribbean dance music and so forth. I was excited to start and see the pounds start dropping off rapidly. Well, I should have known...Every time I lose weight past a certain poundage I was suddenly "pregnant". Still, after last year the fear mingled with the hope kept me more pessimistic than usual.
So yesterday when I took the test I initially read it wrong. I thought that the one symbol was the control and since the two didn't match assumed it was negative. But thankfully I felt the need to actually check the box. I'm so glad I did! I saw that the "plus" sign in the first window indicated a positive result, and the second window was the control. Still...my worries and concerns got the better of me and I doubted it for a while. I needed a little more convincing. I mean, other than wonky blood sugar readings (another "obvious" sign I shouldn't have missed), my breasts do not hurt like during my first pregnancy, I am not constantly vomitting (though I did today a bit more) and I feel, well, pretty much not pregnant. So to convince myself, I took a digital test. The window was clear and unmistakably flashed "pregnant". But not to be fooled by possible error, I took a third test, which also had me reeling with the miracle. Because again the result was positive.
When I took the first test and realized that it was positive, I was overcome with emotion. I fell to my knees, thanking the Lord. You see, I believe that ALL -- yes, ALL -- children are a blessing from the Lord. Does it matter so much that this will be my seventh child (really eighth because of last year's miscarriage, but technically only the third biological child)? I don't think so, yet the reaction I received during my last pregnancy, before we lost the baby, was so negative that this time I am hesitant about how much I want to share this information before I've fully savored it and treasured it and had time to bury those beautiful thoughts in my heart.
I need to begin immediately praying for the perfect health of my child, for the life within me to be strong and healthy -- a child I can train for His good purpose and glory, a child I will treasure, with all of my heart, no matter what. I am still a little anxious, but am trusting that He will protect the life now growing within, knitting my child together with each new development. I feel so tired, but oh so blessed! I am looking forward to this pregnancy journey and to the marvelous treasure that I'll have in the end!!!
Friday, July 04, 2008
Preparedness Challenge Week I (for us anyway!)
I came across this on Melonie Kennedy's Preparedness blog: http://familyprep.blogspot.com/search/label/Preparedness%20Challenge. She found the original challenge on another site, but you'll be able to read that if you click on the link.
Ya' know...with the food crisis it kind of makes a lot of sense, especially for my family of eight...So I am going to attempt to work at it. Being realistic, it's probably somewhat late to accomplish everything, but if I go at it a little bit at a time, weekly, well...I'm hoping it will make a huge difference in our pocketbook as well as the cupboard. So this might be a regular feature in the upcoming weeks -- at least through harvest season. Beyond that, well...we'll see how it goes. It does make sense though, so maybe even those of you without a green thumb (and I really don't have one myself) will give it a go...The worst thing that could happen is that you'll be a little more prepared.
Preparedness Challenge: Week 1
1. Plant something: I have to say that I was pretty pleased with our efforts earlier in the season. We basically only planted herbs, garlic, lettuce and two pepper varieties, and all are doing rather nicely - considering that I'm the one doing the gardening (which means minimal effort and no green thumb). But just the other day Les planted two grape tomato plants. So hooray, we accomplished this part of the challenge!
2. Harvest something: I was surprised to find a nice green bell pepper ready to be picked. I also clipped some rosemary to dry, along with mint (for fresh mojitos and iced tea), and some lavender that I want to make into sachets for my drawers.
3. Preserve something: Well, the only thing I did that was close to preserving anything was to start drying my rosemary. Other than that, I bought some ground beef on sale and divided it into freezer bags. So at the moment I have about five 2lb. packets of ground beef in the freezer. Maybe not what I had hoped for -- those strawberries are still calling my name, and hopefully I'm really not too late already!
4. Prep something: I don't know that I accomplished much here, except that I sliced up some red and green bell peppers and stuck them in the freezer so they wouldn't go bad on me before I was ready for them -- I like to cut strips for fajitas and then little diced pieces for various other dishes.
5. Cook something: Well, not knowing what to make because of the heat suffocating me in the kitchen this week, I ended up doing pretty well. Monday I baked one loaf of sourdough bread (the rest of the starter is in the fridge) and made a chicken dish for dinner. Tuesday we had homemade pizze (I cheated with store-bought crust) and Wednesday we had spaghetti with bacon and a creamy cheese sauce of sorts...It ended up not being thin enough and I drained all the spaghetti water before I was finished, silly me. Then Thursday Kayla had her turn to pick a dish to make. She opted for cold noodle salad, which was spaghetti, cabbage and carrots with scallions and an Asian-inspired peanut-butter dressing. We still have three containers of leftovers, so it was a pretty cheap dish overall. We added fortune cookies (store-bought at the bulk store, so pretty cheap) as a dessert for a nice touch. Tonight we were supposed to have a barbeque, but it has rained almost all day. So Les took us out to a pizza buffet. Not too bad, really, for the week. I hope next week turns out just as good.
6. Manage your reserves: Well, this is where we're experiencing a lot of trouble. Since the pigeon company filed for bankruptcy, we're just trying to hold on. We were looking forward to a lot of relief with that monthly income and now there is no monthly pigeon income, but we still have the pigeons (almost 400 of them) and barn rent and feed. Right now the market has been flooded with pigeons, so it really does not pay to start getting rid of all of them, and I'm sorry, but I just can't see destroying the eggs. I think if we shop around maybe we'll be able to find a market for squab. We'll see. Other than that, paid the cell bill, some other small things, made a list of total debt (that almost gave me a heart attack) and tried not to splurge or add any new debt. One credit card is being paid in full and that will help a little. It means we can try to pay off another one next month, and go from there. I am going to take scissors to the majority of them...Monthly payments seem so foolish now, especially when you get interest and such tacked on. I want to try to follow Mary Hunt's Debt-Proof Living advice. Seems like a good plan -- I mean, who can't use more of their own money every month?? So that's where we're at for the moment...Trying to stay above water and avoid bankruptcy...which we feel should only be used in the most dire circumstances. And even though financially it seems pretty damn dire, well...We'd rather honor our debts if possible...The bad thing is that not all companies will even work with you. The health care scenario is the WORST for that...I called to make payment arrangements on a hospital bill and told them what we could afford. They were not willing to accept that arrangement -- in fact, they wanted 300% more than what I could pay. I mean, should I just die next time and avoid the trip to the ER or what??? So...as I said, we're working on it...
7. Work on local food systems: Well, as far building up our own pantry...I hit a sale and got a few things. But I've been really trying to shop the perimeter of the store and avoid the isles of processed and unhealthy foods. Sadly, that's more of what we can afford right now. I did use coupons to purchase deli cheese and meat on sale this week -- Usually that is one of the first things we cut out when life gets a little expensive, but everything was on sale, plus the coupons too. I am hoping to work out a menu based on the sale fliers and use coupons where possible to stock up our meager pantry. Aside from that, though, I've found that I've been able to feed our family of eight a lot more healthy produce from spending a mere $20 at the farmers' market every week. There is a huge difference when I go versus when I don't. The kids are even enjoying a variety of fruits and veggies that are fresh and local without too much complaint...I've found that Les and I grumble more about the cookies, chips, ice cream, etc. we miss than the kids do!
8. Learn or work on a new skill: Well, not sure if this counts, but I have been working on my bread-baking a lot more, despite the rising cost of flour. I still find it more satisfactory to eat something on a homemade slice or two of bread than to buy that squishy air-inflated stuff they try to pass off as bread at the supermarket. And quite honestly, we're trying to use other grains in our diet anyway, so it's not like we're constantly going through the bread now. Aside from that, I just found a recipe for ricotta cheese that I want to try out, because I want to do some bulk cooking. I have some recipes for things like lasagna and even stuffed shells that I can freeze ahead of time to save on time during the upcoming busy cheerleading/football season. And...I want to try yogurt again too. So I'm working on "skills". Outside of the kitchen I'm working on two cross-stitch projects, a quilting project and hoping to learn crochet with Sara early next month.
9. Serve someone: I don't know if this counts, but...I gave my parents my first green bell pepper, a packet of homegrown and dried rosemary and a bunch of lavender. We have a whole bag full of clothes to go to Goodwill as well. Sometimes it just is hard to get into a serving mindset when I'm here all day with six kids plus Les, but I'm really trying to be less selfish with the things I do have. I hope that this challenge really keeps me in check as far as serving others.
I didn't do all of this in one fell swoop...It was a little here, a little there. One small thing every day for the week. And I hope to really keep up with it. It's pretty nice to look at your pantry shelves and see a variety of stuff -- that you actually eat or use -- there all ready for you.
Well, I don't know if/how many of you will join me in this challenge, but I think that with the food prices going up and the gas prices going up and all the natural and other disasters world-wide, it's not a crazy or far-fetched idea to be prepared. That can mean just buying an extra can of tunafish or whatever you eat every time you go to the grocery store or see a sale, or making sure your flashlights and smoke detectors have batteries or that you have a whole "kit" ready for any kind of disaster. It doesn't have to be consuming or make you scared or crazy, but you can do it sensibly. FEMA has information online at: http://www.fema.gov/ and it doesn't hurt to look at it once in a while.
Ya' know...with the food crisis it kind of makes a lot of sense, especially for my family of eight...So I am going to attempt to work at it. Being realistic, it's probably somewhat late to accomplish everything, but if I go at it a little bit at a time, weekly, well...I'm hoping it will make a huge difference in our pocketbook as well as the cupboard. So this might be a regular feature in the upcoming weeks -- at least through harvest season. Beyond that, well...we'll see how it goes. It does make sense though, so maybe even those of you without a green thumb (and I really don't have one myself) will give it a go...The worst thing that could happen is that you'll be a little more prepared.
Preparedness Challenge: Week 1
1. Plant something: I have to say that I was pretty pleased with our efforts earlier in the season. We basically only planted herbs, garlic, lettuce and two pepper varieties, and all are doing rather nicely - considering that I'm the one doing the gardening (which means minimal effort and no green thumb). But just the other day Les planted two grape tomato plants. So hooray, we accomplished this part of the challenge!
2. Harvest something: I was surprised to find a nice green bell pepper ready to be picked. I also clipped some rosemary to dry, along with mint (for fresh mojitos and iced tea), and some lavender that I want to make into sachets for my drawers.
3. Preserve something: Well, the only thing I did that was close to preserving anything was to start drying my rosemary. Other than that, I bought some ground beef on sale and divided it into freezer bags. So at the moment I have about five 2lb. packets of ground beef in the freezer. Maybe not what I had hoped for -- those strawberries are still calling my name, and hopefully I'm really not too late already!
4. Prep something: I don't know that I accomplished much here, except that I sliced up some red and green bell peppers and stuck them in the freezer so they wouldn't go bad on me before I was ready for them -- I like to cut strips for fajitas and then little diced pieces for various other dishes.
5. Cook something: Well, not knowing what to make because of the heat suffocating me in the kitchen this week, I ended up doing pretty well. Monday I baked one loaf of sourdough bread (the rest of the starter is in the fridge) and made a chicken dish for dinner. Tuesday we had homemade pizze (I cheated with store-bought crust) and Wednesday we had spaghetti with bacon and a creamy cheese sauce of sorts...It ended up not being thin enough and I drained all the spaghetti water before I was finished, silly me. Then Thursday Kayla had her turn to pick a dish to make. She opted for cold noodle salad, which was spaghetti, cabbage and carrots with scallions and an Asian-inspired peanut-butter dressing. We still have three containers of leftovers, so it was a pretty cheap dish overall. We added fortune cookies (store-bought at the bulk store, so pretty cheap) as a dessert for a nice touch. Tonight we were supposed to have a barbeque, but it has rained almost all day. So Les took us out to a pizza buffet. Not too bad, really, for the week. I hope next week turns out just as good.
6. Manage your reserves: Well, this is where we're experiencing a lot of trouble. Since the pigeon company filed for bankruptcy, we're just trying to hold on. We were looking forward to a lot of relief with that monthly income and now there is no monthly pigeon income, but we still have the pigeons (almost 400 of them) and barn rent and feed. Right now the market has been flooded with pigeons, so it really does not pay to start getting rid of all of them, and I'm sorry, but I just can't see destroying the eggs. I think if we shop around maybe we'll be able to find a market for squab. We'll see. Other than that, paid the cell bill, some other small things, made a list of total debt (that almost gave me a heart attack) and tried not to splurge or add any new debt. One credit card is being paid in full and that will help a little. It means we can try to pay off another one next month, and go from there. I am going to take scissors to the majority of them...Monthly payments seem so foolish now, especially when you get interest and such tacked on. I want to try to follow Mary Hunt's Debt-Proof Living advice. Seems like a good plan -- I mean, who can't use more of their own money every month?? So that's where we're at for the moment...Trying to stay above water and avoid bankruptcy...which we feel should only be used in the most dire circumstances. And even though financially it seems pretty damn dire, well...We'd rather honor our debts if possible...The bad thing is that not all companies will even work with you. The health care scenario is the WORST for that...I called to make payment arrangements on a hospital bill and told them what we could afford. They were not willing to accept that arrangement -- in fact, they wanted 300% more than what I could pay. I mean, should I just die next time and avoid the trip to the ER or what??? So...as I said, we're working on it...
7. Work on local food systems: Well, as far building up our own pantry...I hit a sale and got a few things. But I've been really trying to shop the perimeter of the store and avoid the isles of processed and unhealthy foods. Sadly, that's more of what we can afford right now. I did use coupons to purchase deli cheese and meat on sale this week -- Usually that is one of the first things we cut out when life gets a little expensive, but everything was on sale, plus the coupons too. I am hoping to work out a menu based on the sale fliers and use coupons where possible to stock up our meager pantry. Aside from that, though, I've found that I've been able to feed our family of eight a lot more healthy produce from spending a mere $20 at the farmers' market every week. There is a huge difference when I go versus when I don't. The kids are even enjoying a variety of fruits and veggies that are fresh and local without too much complaint...I've found that Les and I grumble more about the cookies, chips, ice cream, etc. we miss than the kids do!
8. Learn or work on a new skill: Well, not sure if this counts, but I have been working on my bread-baking a lot more, despite the rising cost of flour. I still find it more satisfactory to eat something on a homemade slice or two of bread than to buy that squishy air-inflated stuff they try to pass off as bread at the supermarket. And quite honestly, we're trying to use other grains in our diet anyway, so it's not like we're constantly going through the bread now. Aside from that, I just found a recipe for ricotta cheese that I want to try out, because I want to do some bulk cooking. I have some recipes for things like lasagna and even stuffed shells that I can freeze ahead of time to save on time during the upcoming busy cheerleading/football season. And...I want to try yogurt again too. So I'm working on "skills". Outside of the kitchen I'm working on two cross-stitch projects, a quilting project and hoping to learn crochet with Sara early next month.
9. Serve someone: I don't know if this counts, but...I gave my parents my first green bell pepper, a packet of homegrown and dried rosemary and a bunch of lavender. We have a whole bag full of clothes to go to Goodwill as well. Sometimes it just is hard to get into a serving mindset when I'm here all day with six kids plus Les, but I'm really trying to be less selfish with the things I do have. I hope that this challenge really keeps me in check as far as serving others.
I didn't do all of this in one fell swoop...It was a little here, a little there. One small thing every day for the week. And I hope to really keep up with it. It's pretty nice to look at your pantry shelves and see a variety of stuff -- that you actually eat or use -- there all ready for you.
Well, I don't know if/how many of you will join me in this challenge, but I think that with the food prices going up and the gas prices going up and all the natural and other disasters world-wide, it's not a crazy or far-fetched idea to be prepared. That can mean just buying an extra can of tunafish or whatever you eat every time you go to the grocery store or see a sale, or making sure your flashlights and smoke detectors have batteries or that you have a whole "kit" ready for any kind of disaster. It doesn't have to be consuming or make you scared or crazy, but you can do it sensibly. FEMA has information online at: http://www.fema.gov/ and it doesn't hurt to look at it once in a while.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Rebellion
What happens when things are not going quite the way you wanted and life looks dim? I know that somewhere the sun is shining, just not for me at this particular moment in my life. There are acceptable behaviors in any situation, and things that one just should not do. Yet I find myself...considering. Drawn to those things that I would not otherwise want to do. Being pulled away from the comfort and security and peace that I know are waiting for me in the future, after all the grief and frustration has been sorted through. It's rebellion in a simplistic state. I do not want to fall away from what is acceptable. I do not want to do wrong. Yet I'm pulled toward it as a moth draws closer to the flame, disregarding the singe on its wings as it passes ever so close. I can hear, at times so audible and others so soft, the voice of some demon tempting me to partake.
I could, maybe even somewhat easily, distract myself by drawing closer to the One who will never leave nor forsake me. Except that, while I know it's the right thing to do -- the thing that will yeild the best result, the better course -- I feel some anger. Enough to hold back my natural inclination to fall down in praise and worship or turn the pages of my Bible, untouched these last few months. I reason over and over in my mind that of course I need to pour over Scripture and pray with purpose and offer praise and thanksgiving to the Creator. I know it's what is right and true, and more importantly -- what could help me out of the spiraling depression I've felt since the piercing cry that somehow came from within me as I learned that my child had no heartbeat. Yes, this is rebellion borne of anger. And...something else.
Guilt. I mentioned it to my counselor, who posed that I sound like other women she's counseled who have had abortions. Except that is not what my loss was called. It was a miscarriage, followed by a surgical procedure to remove the remains. Yet in my mind I truly believe that I should have passed on the surgery and let God work His miracle if He would, or experience the natural course of a true miscarriage if He would not. But in the midst of the physical pain of the loss and the mental anguish accompanying it, I was forced to make a decision. And so I opted for the easy way to end my suffering. And feel weak and frustrated at my own inadequacy. I should have endured, and not been so quick to give up -- in faith. And yet I couldn't. Even as I was being wheeled into surgery, starting to grow drowsy with drugs and anesthetics, I could hear my soul screaming to stop it all, because I could have faith that God could restore...if not my baby, then at least me. But I abandoned it for comfort and ease. In my mind a worship song from church reverberated, filling my mind with the lyrics and testing my resolve. "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come. With all creation I sing praise to the King of Kings. You are my everything and I will adore You." It testified to the awe-inspiring presence and greatness and holiness of God. And yet -- somehow I still could not cling to that faith, because I was already despairing at the loss of my child, already sinking down into the claws of depression -- yes, even while trying to reach to Him who could heal me. The devil, you see, was pulling me down. And I let him win the battle that time. And have felt guilty about it ever since.
Because it opened the doors of doubt and despair and anger and frustration and left little room for much else. Leading to rebellion.
Some day soon I know I will have to cast aside the guilt. The pain. The anger. I, the prodigal, will have to run back toward my Father. I know I can count on His open arms, waiting to pull me in and give me the comfort I know is waiting. But I think that, in some effort to punish myself, I am just not ready to release all this hurt yet. So stubbornly I cling to it, disregarding His promises and chasing after all that is vapid and vanishing in life, even if only in my innermost thoughts, while I should be pursuing Him with gusto, relishing His care of me and His everlasting love and forgiveness and...healing. I know I will find it in Him, when I am ready to grow up and give up my childish rebellion...
I could, maybe even somewhat easily, distract myself by drawing closer to the One who will never leave nor forsake me. Except that, while I know it's the right thing to do -- the thing that will yeild the best result, the better course -- I feel some anger. Enough to hold back my natural inclination to fall down in praise and worship or turn the pages of my Bible, untouched these last few months. I reason over and over in my mind that of course I need to pour over Scripture and pray with purpose and offer praise and thanksgiving to the Creator. I know it's what is right and true, and more importantly -- what could help me out of the spiraling depression I've felt since the piercing cry that somehow came from within me as I learned that my child had no heartbeat. Yes, this is rebellion borne of anger. And...something else.
Guilt. I mentioned it to my counselor, who posed that I sound like other women she's counseled who have had abortions. Except that is not what my loss was called. It was a miscarriage, followed by a surgical procedure to remove the remains. Yet in my mind I truly believe that I should have passed on the surgery and let God work His miracle if He would, or experience the natural course of a true miscarriage if He would not. But in the midst of the physical pain of the loss and the mental anguish accompanying it, I was forced to make a decision. And so I opted for the easy way to end my suffering. And feel weak and frustrated at my own inadequacy. I should have endured, and not been so quick to give up -- in faith. And yet I couldn't. Even as I was being wheeled into surgery, starting to grow drowsy with drugs and anesthetics, I could hear my soul screaming to stop it all, because I could have faith that God could restore...if not my baby, then at least me. But I abandoned it for comfort and ease. In my mind a worship song from church reverberated, filling my mind with the lyrics and testing my resolve. "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come. With all creation I sing praise to the King of Kings. You are my everything and I will adore You." It testified to the awe-inspiring presence and greatness and holiness of God. And yet -- somehow I still could not cling to that faith, because I was already despairing at the loss of my child, already sinking down into the claws of depression -- yes, even while trying to reach to Him who could heal me. The devil, you see, was pulling me down. And I let him win the battle that time. And have felt guilty about it ever since.
Because it opened the doors of doubt and despair and anger and frustration and left little room for much else. Leading to rebellion.
Some day soon I know I will have to cast aside the guilt. The pain. The anger. I, the prodigal, will have to run back toward my Father. I know I can count on His open arms, waiting to pull me in and give me the comfort I know is waiting. But I think that, in some effort to punish myself, I am just not ready to release all this hurt yet. So stubbornly I cling to it, disregarding His promises and chasing after all that is vapid and vanishing in life, even if only in my innermost thoughts, while I should be pursuing Him with gusto, relishing His care of me and His everlasting love and forgiveness and...healing. I know I will find it in Him, when I am ready to grow up and give up my childish rebellion...
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Stained...
Well, this blog was hatched in a brief season of joy in my life and then quickly set aside when reality took hold of the things I held dear and began methodically to alter them in ways unchangeable...So though it may take a while until my thoughts may be deemed "excellent" again, I think I will optimistically settle for this as I write to work through my problems...
On the note of writing for a sort of therapy, I can say that sometimes a little writing may help a situation, but oftentimes it takes more than just a day or a week or even a month until one can understand and recognize the benefits...
At this moment in time, I am still mourning the life of the child that grew for a short season in my womb and disappeared for reasons unknown as yet in a sea of dark red that I still saw through my copious tears. It not only stained the clothing I wore that day, but also stained the memory in my soul so that it is unmoved, a continual reminder that life - any life - is brief. Should this cause me to be even more unselfish in the love I lavish upon others or turn me inward so that I am not stifling the desires of my heart any longer I cannot tell. That was in June, this is November. In one more month, I would have held that precious life in my arms, which will now be empty at Christmas -- the irony of a due date. Instead I am here mourning and grieving in a way that no one understands and so has lost patience with...It is more than a little difficult to sort through the feelings of anger, despair and desperation when the rest of the household moves about at normal lightening speed, leaving me far behind in my grief.
My marriage has crumbled, the children have rebelled, the finances are low, and the only source of pleasure in my life at this point is a memory I savor in secret in my memories when my eyes are closed as I reflect upon the different paths we all choose for whatever reason and how altered our lives then become, depending upon the destination and the company we keep on the journey...
On the note of writing for a sort of therapy, I can say that sometimes a little writing may help a situation, but oftentimes it takes more than just a day or a week or even a month until one can understand and recognize the benefits...
At this moment in time, I am still mourning the life of the child that grew for a short season in my womb and disappeared for reasons unknown as yet in a sea of dark red that I still saw through my copious tears. It not only stained the clothing I wore that day, but also stained the memory in my soul so that it is unmoved, a continual reminder that life - any life - is brief. Should this cause me to be even more unselfish in the love I lavish upon others or turn me inward so that I am not stifling the desires of my heart any longer I cannot tell. That was in June, this is November. In one more month, I would have held that precious life in my arms, which will now be empty at Christmas -- the irony of a due date. Instead I am here mourning and grieving in a way that no one understands and so has lost patience with...It is more than a little difficult to sort through the feelings of anger, despair and desperation when the rest of the household moves about at normal lightening speed, leaving me far behind in my grief.
My marriage has crumbled, the children have rebelled, the finances are low, and the only source of pleasure in my life at this point is a memory I savor in secret in my memories when my eyes are closed as I reflect upon the different paths we all choose for whatever reason and how altered our lives then become, depending upon the destination and the company we keep on the journey...
Monday, February 06, 2006
The Joy of Writing
It almost sounds like the title of a self-help, do-it-yourself style book. But seriously, the joy of writing has given me hope and inspiration throughout my life. The feel of a pen in my hand against a blank piece of paper has always just filled me with a sense of comfort...As though I were about to reveal the most important thoughts and secrets hiding within my soul to an old and cherished friend.
There has never been a situation in my life where I did not want to take up that pen and capture the moment on that paper. Some of the more precious recollections have been worth reading over and over again -- such as my wedding day thoughts, the journaling of my first pregnancy, the notes I took when we were adopting our first five children...I have even been able to incorporate some of those notes in my scrapbooking, to share with future family and friends.
Of course, not every memory is a happy one, and some of my earlier "works" were banished to a box or thrown out with the garbage. But I have found that, through writing, I can either escape the problem, resolve the problem or work through the problem. Some of my earlier writings were the writings of a love-sick schoolgirl...And while they hold some fond memories, when reading them I can recall the heartbreak I felt.
When I read the things I wrote about meeting my husband, it makes me smile as I close my eyes to picture the details -- the racquetball court towering over us while we played during our early courtship, the starlit nights when we sat on a picnic bench planning our future. When I read about an argument I had years ago with my sister, it makes me cry that we were so petty, but it also makes me thankful that I have grown up enough to apologize. Yes, writing can bring a lot of things into focus.
Recording memories is not the only thing I've done...I have been writing little bits and pieces of novels since I was ten. I remember taking great care with the wording, searching my imagination to come up with the elements I knew I needed. I wrote about classmates, wrote about things I hoped would really happen, wrote about things I knew would never happen in my ordinary life. I am anxious to begin this journey again.
I am excited to be taking a few writing courses from Barnes & Noble University online. As I plow through the materials, I will be looking forward to sharing with you what I'm learning, whether through little posts about my life or chapters I hope to turn into novels.
There has never been a situation in my life where I did not want to take up that pen and capture the moment on that paper. Some of the more precious recollections have been worth reading over and over again -- such as my wedding day thoughts, the journaling of my first pregnancy, the notes I took when we were adopting our first five children...I have even been able to incorporate some of those notes in my scrapbooking, to share with future family and friends.
Of course, not every memory is a happy one, and some of my earlier "works" were banished to a box or thrown out with the garbage. But I have found that, through writing, I can either escape the problem, resolve the problem or work through the problem. Some of my earlier writings were the writings of a love-sick schoolgirl...And while they hold some fond memories, when reading them I can recall the heartbreak I felt.
When I read the things I wrote about meeting my husband, it makes me smile as I close my eyes to picture the details -- the racquetball court towering over us while we played during our early courtship, the starlit nights when we sat on a picnic bench planning our future. When I read about an argument I had years ago with my sister, it makes me cry that we were so petty, but it also makes me thankful that I have grown up enough to apologize. Yes, writing can bring a lot of things into focus.
Recording memories is not the only thing I've done...I have been writing little bits and pieces of novels since I was ten. I remember taking great care with the wording, searching my imagination to come up with the elements I knew I needed. I wrote about classmates, wrote about things I hoped would really happen, wrote about things I knew would never happen in my ordinary life. I am anxious to begin this journey again.
I am excited to be taking a few writing courses from Barnes & Noble University online. As I plow through the materials, I will be looking forward to sharing with you what I'm learning, whether through little posts about my life or chapters I hope to turn into novels.
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